Postpartum Anxiety

Postpartum depression is a bit of a misnomer. Although PPD is characterized by depression, many women also experience anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or OCD (among other things) when they are postpartum. My own postpartum depression soon turned into a raging anxiety.

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Depression is like being stuck in mud. It slows you down to the point where it’s easier to just lie there than to do anything. It’s like going into involuntary hibernation. Anxiety is the complete opposite. Anxiety fueled by postpartum hormones is like swallowing a sparkler and having those sparks fly around inside of you constantly. Every waking moment is one long panic attack. My heart was constantly racing, breathing always on the verge of hyperventilation. I’m not sure which one is better.

My anxiety was triggered by my in-laws moving to our neighborhood within a month of my giving birth. It was just too much change at once for me to handle. I worried that my in-laws would be over all the time, even though they have always been nothing but polite and genteel when it comes to manners. I worried that I would be responsible for my in-laws’ happiness. They had sold their dream retirement home in another suburb to be near us after we had their first grandchild. I worried that my daughter would love them more than she loved me, and that was the crux of my anxiety. A friend consoled me by telling me that mom would always be at the center of a young child’s life. Even when the circle expands to include more people who love her and for her to love back, mom would still be at the center. I knew it was true, but I was so scared of losing her love that I wanted to be the only one in the circle.

I know...very dysfunctional, co-dependent, and insecure. I was crazy. Crazy in thinking that way, and crazy in my anxiety. However, I’ve come to realize that we’re all a little crazy and dysfunctional, but we’re just too scared to admit it because we’re afraid of what people will think. My best friend and I will often start conversations with, “This is kind of embarrassing, and you’re going to think I’m crazy, but...” I think if we would all be a little more honest about our dysfunction, we’d realize that crazy is actually pretty normal. So maybe my fears about my in-laws were actually kind of normal crazy, but the level of anxiety I felt was truly crazy crazy. I was sure that my body couldn’t sustain the elevated heartrate and shallow breathing much longer. The physical effects of my anxiety were going to shorten my lifespan. So I went to see a counselor.