Making a difference in the world as a SAHM

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that the intrusive thoughts I had during postpartum depression led to a more lasting struggle with the problem of evil.  To this day, I can't read about anything (ANYTHING) sad or bad happening to anyone without putting myself in the shoes of the victim or the victim's mother.  In my younger days, I sometimes got into intellectual discussions with my friends mourning how the media had caused us to be so desensitized to the evil and suffering in this world.  Well, here I am, no longer desensitized, and it's pretty depressing (just regular-life-is-terrible-depressing, not clinically-I-need-therapy-depressing).

The good news is that I finally got to the point where I wasn't just mad at God (although I still have a lot of questions for Him), but I wanted to do something about it.  However, I didn't want to compromise my primary role as a SAHM, and as any SAHM can tell you, there is a lot of free time during the day, but it's difficult to use that time productively because it's fragmented.  The minute you think you might have enough time to, say, use the restroom, your older child will decide she MUST have that one toy that is buried in the back of the closet NOW, or your older child will kick the younger child, or the younger child will fall over and bang her head on the floor, and it's all over...window of opportunity is GONE.

So anyway, I have a good friend who spent some time as a medical missionary in a developing country, and I sent her this silly question:

"What can I do to help besides giving money (already do), or adoption (would like to, but don't have the immediate money for it), or going out somewhere to volunteer (because my priority is still to be at home)?"

I was pretty sure she was going to write back and say, "ummm...with all your limitations, I'm pretty sure there is NOTHING you can do to help.  Get back to me in five years when your kids are in school."  But my friend, she surprised me with her answer.  "You can PRAY," she said.  Money and other physical resources always help, but a lot of kids are suffering in ways in which physical provision can only do so much.  These children need God's love and protection, and our prayers!

Well, duh, why didn't I think of that myself?  I think it's because I didn't think praying was really doing something, and I didn't think it would make a REAL difference.  During one phase of my depression, I went on a prayer strike because I was mad at God and was questioning the purpose of prayer.  Well, I still have a lot of questions, but in the meantime, I've been praying for the beautiful, beautiful children at the Butterfly Children's Hospice.  If you are a SAHM looking for a way to make a difference in the world with the limitations of being a SAHM, would you please pray with me for these children, or for whatever hurting people God puts on your heart?  Just take one Facebook break out of your day and replace it with a prayer!

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Fear and Theology

Although I no longer suffer from intrusive thoughts, I still suffer from one of the after-effects...fear.  The intrusive thoughts awakened in me a fear of the pain and evils in this world that I didn't know before.  I continue to struggle with trusting God with my family and having peace.  This has been a time in my life where I've learned the importance of clinging to what I know to be true, rather than what I feel.  I choose to believe that God is good, even though I still feel fear in my heart, and sometimes that is the best I can do.

Image: Louisa Stokes

 I recently came across a blog where a man powerfully describes his choice to believe in God's goodness in the midst of a terrible circumstance.  He talks about the importance of good theology when dealing with difficult circumstances ("Theology is not for the intellectuals, those in the ministry, and those with too much time on their hands. Theology is for those with guns to their heads.")  He talks about the heartbreaking decision to "disown his children" during this trial (they are God's, not his) and that in disowning his children and all he held dear, he was able to be "invincible."

If I were ever in a situation where I had to make the same decision, I'm afraid my heart would break open and never be fixed.  Actually, I'm sure I don't have the courage to make such a decision now, but I believe God will give me the courage if and when the time comes.  If you are in the same situation where you are confronting fear in your life, I hope this man's courage will also give you courage to keep trusting God.

Read about what happened here (don't worry, no one was physically harmed).
Read about his powerful response here.

And please pray for the Sturms!

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How Depression Affected My Prayer Life

Soon after I had my second child, there was a famine in Africa.  There's been a famine in Africa for as long as I can remember, but this one was bad enough to make it to the news.  While struggling with intrusive thoughts, I lost the desensitivity that allowed me to read about suffering and then move on to celebrity gossip without blinking an eye.  I heard that some starving babies didn't even have the strength to cry, and it made me depressed for bringing my babies into such a sad and painful world.  I purposefully avoided the news so that I wouldn't read about it or see any pictures about it. 

I had the same one-sided conversation with God every day, "How could you give life to so many people and then just leave them to suffer, starve, and die?"  I felt foolish for trivial prayers over my kids' sleeping or eating habits.  I stopped praying for myself or for my kids and prayed only for Africa.  If God wasn't going to do something about a cross-continent famine, why would He care about making my domestic life easier?  I thought I would go ahead and do Him the favor of removing those prayers from His Queue so that He wouldn't have to toss them out Himself.

Honestly, I kinda thought that my life would be the same whether or not I prayed, but my prayer strike taught me that prayer is about more than giving God my wish list.  I found myself with a weightier load on my shoulders.  I was less sensitive to sin creeping into my life.  I became more self-centered.  I still don't have a satisfactory answer to the problem of unanswered prayer, but I learned that prayer is about more than just getting what I ask for.  I still pray for Africa, but I also pray for my kids, myself, and other people now, too.  I try to focus less on asking for things and more on giving my burdens over to God.

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