Two under two

Some of you may wonder how I ever had a second child, considering how depressed and anxious I was with my first child.  I knew I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, so the decision to have a second child was cerebral rather than emotional.  I prepared myself for double the stress and read tips on "baby bunching" (having two children under the age of two).

Image: digitalart

Having two children is definitely harder than one on some levels.  There's more laundry to do.  There are two nap schedules to coordinate, which makes it difficult - some days impossible - to get out of the house.  I'm outnumbered when we do go out, so just getting everyone in and out of the car can be a workout.  Don't even get me started on mealtimes - I can't wait until the day all four of us can eat the same thing for dinner, unassisted.  

But ironically, there was a huge emotional burden that was lifted from me when I got outnumbered.  A lot of my depression and anxiety stemmed from my obsession with my daughter.  I wanted to "make the most" of every moment with her, so I forced myself to sing, play, and hold her during every waking moment, no matter how tired or bored I was.  There was nothing else to do but spend time with each other, so that's what we did.  I also never let her cry if I could help it

When I had my second child, I was forced to stop obsessing.  I can no longer immediately respond to every child's first cry.  Oftentimes, one of my children will just have to cry while I finish a certain task.  I've learned that that's okay.  I've noticed that when there's more people around, my kids are less likely to seek my individual attention.  Even though they aren't old enough to play together, just having another child in the room helps to keep them more occupied.  I don't quite understand the psychology behind it, but I'm grateful for it.  I've learned to tell my daughter to play by herself if I'm busy or tired and to not feel guilty about it.  It's been good for her, too, because she has learned to be more independent and creative.

So if you are a young mother with just one child, take heart that having another child may be twice the work physically and logistically but will provide a level of emotional freedom when you are no longer revolving your life around just one child.  I still obsess over certain things and feel anxious daily, but I'm somehow able to enjoy motherhood more now.

Having said that, I can't even imagine having a third child.  If any moms with 3+ children would like to share how much more difficult or easier that is, I would love to hear from you!

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What do you do all day?

One of the big things I struggled with after I became a stay-at-home-mom was what to do with my baby all day.  Of course, I spent a lot of time nursing/feeding her, changing her, and trying to get her to sleep, all of which took a lot more time than it sounds.  But there was also this troubling thing that a lot of baby books call "awake time" where the baby isn't eating, sleeping, or pooping, but just...awake.

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm not a baby person.  I think babies are cute, but I don't really have the need or desire to hold other people's babies or play with them.  When I get together with other moms, I'd rather have an adult conversation than to play and babytalk with our kids.  Yet I decided to stay home to "enjoy this time," so I felt like I needed to spend every waking hour playing or interacting with my daughter.  I asked other moms what they did all day with their kids and tried to implement the suggestions:

• Read - 2 minutes if you read a whole bunch of board books
• Go for a walk - not possible 6 months out of the year where I live
• Peek-a-boo - 3 minutes (baby could go longer, but I get sick of it)
• Sing - 5 minutes if I sing every song I know multiple times
• Dangle random toys in front of them (I came up with this one) - 1 minute

After many long minutes of sheer boredom, I would think, "We must have passed at least 30 minutes!  It's probably almost naptime!" only to glance at the clock and see that I barely made it past the 10 minute mark.  (Now I always divide my guess by 2 before looking at the clock, but my estimate is usually still too high.)

So here's every (sane) SAHM's dirty little secret: You can do other stuff.  Do chores, work on a hobby, "like" a few things on Facebook.  My friend of a friend at efootprints advised playing with kids in 15 minute chunks.  Having "permission" from someone I consider a supermom to not spend every waking minute interacting with my child was liberating!

Just don't get your expectations too high about what you can accomplish.  If your wife is a SAHM, or if you're tired of your SAHM friend being a "bad friend," please read the next part very carefully --> The time is not consolidated.  Some days it takes me an entire day to do one load of laundry.  I worked on a few home improvement projects that would take a normal person two weekends to complete but took me two months.  I've also found being active (eg: chores or crafts) was more acceptable to my toddler than reading a book, surfing the internet, or talking on the phone (my sister is starting to develop the skill of talking over crying babies, but I don't assume my other friends have that skill).  Also, the time that is spent interacting with my kids is very draining, so sometimes I just want to do nothing when I have free time, and that doesn't mean I'm lazy.

Of course, I still think it's important to spend a lot of quality time with my kids.  I have them "help" with my chores or activities, but I also make time each morning and afternoon to do what they want to do, to hug, kiss, and sing to them, and to make sure I am paying attention to them.

Even though I no longer suffer from postpartum depression (I'll continue to blog about that process in other posts), I still struggle with "regular" depression sometimes.  The sheer boredom and tediousness of taking care of little children contributes a lot to the depression, and having permission to do other stuff has helped me tremendously.  It seems like common sense now, but for the longest time I felt guilty if I wasn't spending quality time with my daughter every waking moment.  I hope sharing my experience frees up other struggling moms to take time away from their baby if that's what they need.

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