Postpartum depression: my biggest fear

I consider a counseling session successful if I cry.  It means that we didn't just sit around making small talk about surface issues but that we hit on a topic that is painful to me - the reason I am seeking counseling in the first place.  I distinctly remember two times that I cried during counseling for my postpartum depression and anxiety.

The first time I cried was during my first counseling session.  My counselor asked me what my biggest fear was.  I answered immediately.  It was that my panic and anxiety attacks would never go away.  My answer and the tears that came with it surprised me.

I suspect that for many women, the worst part about postpartum depression/anxiety is not knowing when and if it will go away.  When you are in the midst of it, the pain is so severe and so constant that you can't imagine the possibility of being normal again.  More terrifying than hearing your baby cry, more terrifying than the thought of hurting your own child, and more terrifying than the thought of someone else hurting your child is the thought that there may not be an end to the anxiety that is eating you up.

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Birth begins with loss

With the birth of each of my two children, I went through a mourning period.

I cried for the loss of my marriage when I had my first child. My husband and I were still married and committed to each other, but I knew things would never be the same. People say that your children shouldn’t be the center of your life. But how do you not center your life around your baby when she constantly needs your attention?

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

With the birth of my second child, I cried for the loss of the only child relationship I had with my first daughter. When my oldest daughter first saw me in the hospital after having my second, she was hesitant to come toward me. It broke my heart. For the next week or so, I couldn’t look at my first child without crying.

The loss that I felt with each birth was devastating, probably not proportional to what I was actually mourning. I would cry uncontrollably at home and in public. I woke up from sleep crying. I cried during meals. Any sad thought would cause me to break down into tears. But like most bouts of crying, the crying also somehow felt good, like an emotional cleansing. I suppose you can’t welcome something new into your life until you’ve first said good-bye to the old.

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Getting out of bed

I suffered from postpartum depression. I remember the baby’s cries waking me from my sleep. A feeling of dread immediately enveloped my whole body. I knew I needed to get up, but I felt like I had lead weights on my arms and legs. My body was immobile.

Image: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s like being in the middle of a dream in the early morning, when you’re half-awake but still mostly in your dream state. A very small part of your consciousness wants to wake up, to move, but you can’t. You try to open your eyes, but they won’t because they’re already open in your dream. You put all of will into opening your eyes, moving an arm, moving something, anything. Finally, with one last shove of effort, you open your eyes, and you’re finally awake. That was the amount of effort it took for me to get up out of bed when my baby cried.

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