Birth begins with loss

With the birth of each of my two children, I went through a mourning period.

I cried for the loss of my marriage when I had my first child. My husband and I were still married and committed to each other, but I knew things would never be the same. People say that your children shouldn’t be the center of your life. But how do you not center your life around your baby when she constantly needs your attention?

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With the birth of my second child, I cried for the loss of the only child relationship I had with my first daughter. When my oldest daughter first saw me in the hospital after having my second, she was hesitant to come toward me. It broke my heart. For the next week or so, I couldn’t look at my first child without crying.

The loss that I felt with each birth was devastating, probably not proportional to what I was actually mourning. I would cry uncontrollably at home and in public. I woke up from sleep crying. I cried during meals. Any sad thought would cause me to break down into tears. But like most bouts of crying, the crying also somehow felt good, like an emotional cleansing. I suppose you can’t welcome something new into your life until you’ve first said good-bye to the old.

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Finding other moms like you

People often say that raising kids is “the hardest thing you’ll ever do.” I’ve found it to be true but also a gross understatement. When I had my first child, comments like, “It will get better” didn’t offer much encouragement to me. Instead, I took solace from a woman who candidly proclaimed to me (in church), “It was hell the first few months. I hated it.” I wasn’t alone.

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I didn't hate my baby or hate being a mother.  Quite the opposite.  I was in love with my daughter, possibly a little obsessed.  Ok, definitely obsessed (will get to that later).  I hated always feeling inadequate. I hated not being in control.  I hated that instead of becoming a more warm, patient, joyful person, motherhood  had made me anxious, jumpy, and cynical.

Most of my mom friends are the "I <heart> being a mom" type, but there are a handful who are the "I hated it" type.  I leaned on the "I hated it" type more in the beginning, but more recently, I have also found real encouragement and great tips from the "I <heart> being a mom" type.  It's good to have both.

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