Mental health and faith

People with mental health struggles (depression, panic attacks, OCD, etc.) are often encouraged to pray for God's healing in their struggles.  Pray for joy instead of depression.  Pray for peace instead of anxiety.  Pray for trust instead of fear.  I completely agree that we should pray to God for healing and grace in these areas.

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However, our focus is often on how our faith can positively impact our mental health struggles, and we don't often discuss how our mental health struggles impact our faith.  PPD and intrusive thoughts, specifically, were destructive to my faith.

The scary thoughts I was having on a daily basis forced me to confront "the problem of evil" in a very personal way.  As soon as I gave birth to my first child, I knew that I would do anything to protect her from fear or harm.  So why did God not protect us from all the fear and harm in this world?  Instead of helping me to understand God's unconditional love, having a child actually made me question it.

Happiest robot on the block.

The problem of evil has been one of God's PR problems for a long time, and I know what the correct Christian responses are to these questions.  But sometimes knowing the correct answers don't keep your heart from asking the questions.  Hint:  The correct answers have something to do with "free will" and "It's not about me, it's about God's glory."  Call me crazy, but I'd rather be a happy, little robot than to live in a world full of broken people with free will.  (Unfortunately, have yet to find proof that this world is actually all about me.)

My faith struggles resulted in something that I hope no other Christian has to experience.  I started to fear that God would punish me for my thoughts.  I would lie there at night having waking nightmares about terrible things happening to me or my baby, and I would think, "God is going to punish me for having these fears by making these things come true."  I wanted to fly away, to hide my thoughts from God, but I knew I could not.  Writing these words, I am filled with a deep sense of sadness for how a relationship that was supposed to bring light to my life actually filled me with a dark and dreadful fear.

Although the intrusive thoughts have lessened, they awakened in me an awareness of evil and resulting fear that I have not been able to shake.  The apostle John wrote, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  Oh how I long for the day of my perfection!


Droid Image: Ben Jacobson