Making a difference in the world as a SAHM

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that the intrusive thoughts I had during postpartum depression led to a more lasting struggle with the problem of evil.  To this day, I can't read about anything (ANYTHING) sad or bad happening to anyone without putting myself in the shoes of the victim or the victim's mother.  In my younger days, I sometimes got into intellectual discussions with my friends mourning how the media had caused us to be so desensitized to the evil and suffering in this world.  Well, here I am, no longer desensitized, and it's pretty depressing (just regular-life-is-terrible-depressing, not clinically-I-need-therapy-depressing).

The good news is that I finally got to the point where I wasn't just mad at God (although I still have a lot of questions for Him), but I wanted to do something about it.  However, I didn't want to compromise my primary role as a SAHM, and as any SAHM can tell you, there is a lot of free time during the day, but it's difficult to use that time productively because it's fragmented.  The minute you think you might have enough time to, say, use the restroom, your older child will decide she MUST have that one toy that is buried in the back of the closet NOW, or your older child will kick the younger child, or the younger child will fall over and bang her head on the floor, and it's all over...window of opportunity is GONE.

So anyway, I have a good friend who spent some time as a medical missionary in a developing country, and I sent her this silly question:

"What can I do to help besides giving money (already do), or adoption (would like to, but don't have the immediate money for it), or going out somewhere to volunteer (because my priority is still to be at home)?"

I was pretty sure she was going to write back and say, "ummm...with all your limitations, I'm pretty sure there is NOTHING you can do to help.  Get back to me in five years when your kids are in school."  But my friend, she surprised me with her answer.  "You can PRAY," she said.  Money and other physical resources always help, but a lot of kids are suffering in ways in which physical provision can only do so much.  These children need God's love and protection, and our prayers!

Well, duh, why didn't I think of that myself?  I think it's because I didn't think praying was really doing something, and I didn't think it would make a REAL difference.  During one phase of my depression, I went on a prayer strike because I was mad at God and was questioning the purpose of prayer.  Well, I still have a lot of questions, but in the meantime, I've been praying for the beautiful, beautiful children at the Butterfly Children's Hospice.  If you are a SAHM looking for a way to make a difference in the world with the limitations of being a SAHM, would you please pray with me for these children, or for whatever hurting people God puts on your heart?  Just take one Facebook break out of your day and replace it with a prayer!

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Searching for Theodicy

When I was in college, I took a brief interest in Christian apologetics - defending the faith through objective and rational arguments.  I thought at the time that it was important for winning people over to Christ.  I then realized that no one (no one!) is ever converted through rational debate.  You could debate an atheist until you are blue in the face, and s/he wouldn't budge an inch.  Faith is not something that can be won through an argument but is the work of God.

Image: Stuart Miles

So for awhile, I thought apologetics was just for people who wanted to argue and that it really wasn't worth my time.  I'm now realizing that apologetics is not just for defending the faith but also for encouraging believers.  Apologetics is, in essence, theology in different clothing, and good theology is vital to our faith.

I don't label myself as having postpartum depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts anymore, but I still bear the scars.  I recently became lax about staying away from the news, and I read some news articles that shook me to the core.  I was awake almost the rest of the night doubting God's goodness, wrestling with my faith, wondering if I could even call myself a Christian anymore.

That night, I came across the term "theodicy" for the first time, which is basically an attempt to answer the problem of evil.  I think I know deep down that a true theodicy doesn't exist -- as in, there may be logical arguments for the existence of evil, but those arguments will never resolve the pain caused by evil or make it obvious that God had no choice but to allow this world to become as broken as it is.  I'm okay with that - I don't presume to think that I as a human being could ever have the same perspective as God does.  But I also think it's important to strengthen my faith with good theology.  My friend recommended Ravi Zacharias, so I'm looking to get one of his books soon.

And how did I end up getting to sleep that night?  I prayed.  Even when I doubt Him, God is my comforter.

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Fear and Theology

Although I no longer suffer from intrusive thoughts, I still suffer from one of the after-effects...fear.  The intrusive thoughts awakened in me a fear of the pain and evils in this world that I didn't know before.  I continue to struggle with trusting God with my family and having peace.  This has been a time in my life where I've learned the importance of clinging to what I know to be true, rather than what I feel.  I choose to believe that God is good, even though I still feel fear in my heart, and sometimes that is the best I can do.

Image: Louisa Stokes

 I recently came across a blog where a man powerfully describes his choice to believe in God's goodness in the midst of a terrible circumstance.  He talks about the importance of good theology when dealing with difficult circumstances ("Theology is not for the intellectuals, those in the ministry, and those with too much time on their hands. Theology is for those with guns to their heads.")  He talks about the heartbreaking decision to "disown his children" during this trial (they are God's, not his) and that in disowning his children and all he held dear, he was able to be "invincible."

If I were ever in a situation where I had to make the same decision, I'm afraid my heart would break open and never be fixed.  Actually, I'm sure I don't have the courage to make such a decision now, but I believe God will give me the courage if and when the time comes.  If you are in the same situation where you are confronting fear in your life, I hope this man's courage will also give you courage to keep trusting God.

Read about what happened here (don't worry, no one was physically harmed).
Read about his powerful response here.

And please pray for the Sturms!

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