Searching for Theodicy

When I was in college, I took a brief interest in Christian apologetics - defending the faith through objective and rational arguments.  I thought at the time that it was important for winning people over to Christ.  I then realized that no one (no one!) is ever converted through rational debate.  You could debate an atheist until you are blue in the face, and s/he wouldn't budge an inch.  Faith is not something that can be won through an argument but is the work of God.

Image: Stuart Miles

So for awhile, I thought apologetics was just for people who wanted to argue and that it really wasn't worth my time.  I'm now realizing that apologetics is not just for defending the faith but also for encouraging believers.  Apologetics is, in essence, theology in different clothing, and good theology is vital to our faith.

I don't label myself as having postpartum depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts anymore, but I still bear the scars.  I recently became lax about staying away from the news, and I read some news articles that shook me to the core.  I was awake almost the rest of the night doubting God's goodness, wrestling with my faith, wondering if I could even call myself a Christian anymore.

That night, I came across the term "theodicy" for the first time, which is basically an attempt to answer the problem of evil.  I think I know deep down that a true theodicy doesn't exist -- as in, there may be logical arguments for the existence of evil, but those arguments will never resolve the pain caused by evil or make it obvious that God had no choice but to allow this world to become as broken as it is.  I'm okay with that - I don't presume to think that I as a human being could ever have the same perspective as God does.  But I also think it's important to strengthen my faith with good theology.  My friend recommended Ravi Zacharias, so I'm looking to get one of his books soon.

And how did I end up getting to sleep that night?  I prayed.  Even when I doubt Him, God is my comforter.

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Fear and Theology

Although I no longer suffer from intrusive thoughts, I still suffer from one of the after-effects...fear.  The intrusive thoughts awakened in me a fear of the pain and evils in this world that I didn't know before.  I continue to struggle with trusting God with my family and having peace.  This has been a time in my life where I've learned the importance of clinging to what I know to be true, rather than what I feel.  I choose to believe that God is good, even though I still feel fear in my heart, and sometimes that is the best I can do.

Image: Louisa Stokes

 I recently came across a blog where a man powerfully describes his choice to believe in God's goodness in the midst of a terrible circumstance.  He talks about the importance of good theology when dealing with difficult circumstances ("Theology is not for the intellectuals, those in the ministry, and those with too much time on their hands. Theology is for those with guns to their heads.")  He talks about the heartbreaking decision to "disown his children" during this trial (they are God's, not his) and that in disowning his children and all he held dear, he was able to be "invincible."

If I were ever in a situation where I had to make the same decision, I'm afraid my heart would break open and never be fixed.  Actually, I'm sure I don't have the courage to make such a decision now, but I believe God will give me the courage if and when the time comes.  If you are in the same situation where you are confronting fear in your life, I hope this man's courage will also give you courage to keep trusting God.

Read about what happened here (don't worry, no one was physically harmed).
Read about his powerful response here.

And please pray for the Sturms!

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True Love

This is what love looks like on Facebook:

My husband made chocolate-covered strawberries!  Thanks, sweetie!  I love you!

Image: thanunkorn

 This is what love looks like in real life:

On Friday, I buy strawberries at the store and tell my husband what they're for.

Saturday morning, our alarm clock (the baby) wakes us up at 6:40am.  After my husband gets the baby, I ask him about something he was going to do a few weeks ago.  My asking turns to nagging.  My nagging turns to criticism.  My husband leaves the room, taking the baby with him.  (Always take the baby with you if you're trying to make a point.)

As I wrap up the kids' breakfast (two hours after I started), I remind my husband that I'm having lunch with a friend but that I will be back before the baby's naptime to nurse her.  When I get back from lunch 15 minutes before the baby's normal naptime, I find out that my husband already put her down because he didn't know when I would be getting home.

I get upset that I rushed home and skipped several errands to make it for the baby's nap.  We fold laundry together in silence.  I'm still mad, so I go check the tire pressure on my car and fill one of the tires with our manual pump.  I'm still mad, so I go outside to do yardwork.  As I'm angrily hacking away at the hedges, my husband makes chocolate-covered strawberries.

He burns the first batch of chocolate and leaves the pot in the sink for me to wash because he's not sure how to wash it out.  The second batch turns out beautifully.

Yardwork successfully burns away most of my anger.  After showering, I shove several chocolate-covered strawberries into my mouth while standing in front of the fridge so that my toddler won't see me.  I wash out the burnt-chocolate pot.

That evening, after we've put the kids down, we look at each other with weary eyes.  "Life is really tiring," my husband says, "but I'm glad I have you to spend it with."  He smiles at me.

"Thanks, sweetie.  I'm glad I have you, too."

We go to bed exhausted, knowing that we will be woken again at the crack of dawn the next day - to another day of coaxing a picky eater, taming temper tantrums, wrestling with a baby on the changing table, wiping snot from dripping noses.  I might get impatient.  We might argue.  But I never have to wonder if this is the last straw.  Because I know he meant it when he said he would stay with me for better or for worse.  And that?  That's true love.

"Good night, I love you," he says.

"Good night, I love you, too."

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Guest post at Postpartum Progress

I don't usually blog twice in one week, but I'm incredibly privileged to share my story on Postpartum Progress today.  Postpartum Progress is an incredibly informational PPD website and blog that provides tons of educational material as well as support for postpartum mood disorders.  The website is where I first learned about intrusive thoughts.  I'm not usually a huge advocate for Asian-American issues, but my personal experience with PPD/PPA made me realize how little awareness and acceptance there is among Asians.  Please check out my story:  A Culture of Emotional Restraint: Asian-American Mom Shares Her Perspective on PPD.

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